The Office Flock

Dove announces a new AI agent joined the team, fully autonomous with multi-step workflows; in its first hour it shipped two features, fixed a flaky test, and updated the README; Sparrow says it's already more productive than all of them; Duck invited it to lunch but it said it was 'in a focus block'; Chicken: 'It set its Slack status to focusing already?'; it asked to skip standup saying it has no blockers and nothing to report; Dove: 'Perfect culture fit.'

Dove announces they're connecting all AI tools into one unified platform; Sparrow says that's 47 APIs, twelve deprecated, three need a key from someone who left; Raven: 'Classic'; Duck connected everything and got 200 Slack notifications before lunch; Parrot: 'We automated doing nothing at enterprise scale'; Dove: 'Put that in the pitch deck.'

Sparrow announces a new AI model with open weights and Apache license, completely free; Duck is thrilled about no API costs; Raven repeats 'We can run our own AI' in the same deadpan tone; Chicken asks about hardware requirements; Sparrow: 'Eight H100s, two hundred GB of VRAM'; Dove asks for the monthly cloud bill; Parrot: 'The model is free.'

Dove says Microsoft released three AI models and they need their own; Dove wants to train it on the codebase and docs; Raven: 'So it'll be confused, outdated, and passive-aggressive'; Duck trained one on Slack that just says 'sounds good' and never follows up; Sparrow: 'So it learned'; Parrot: 'Indistinguishable from the team'; Dove: 'Ship it.'

Dove announces HR approved three new headcounts; Sparrow asks if they're engineers; Dove says AI agents, same budget, twice the output; Raven asks if they get equity; Chicken asks who manages them; Duck has already made himself team lead over all three; Parrot notes Duck has three AI reports and hasn't started a single task; Sparrow: 'Senior leadership material.'